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11/23/2013 at 7:59 pm
“what to do next ?”
Stay the course, man.
I don’t post much here (running my business, training my wife
, raising 7 kids all takes up my time ) but every now and again I pop in.I kid you not, this stuff actually works. But you have to remember you have DECADES of whatever has been programming your wife to be this way working against you. A few good signs over a couple of weeks or even months is NOT going to constitute success.
If you’ve seen any of my posts, much less all of them, I think my wife was as hard core anti-sex as anyone’s wife. I mean she actually had been taught by her parents (mostly mother) that God punish Eve and all her daughters for all time to have to endure forcible rape at the hands of the one person they love and trust more than anyone else, their husbands, because of Eve’s first sin. And that God punished Adam and all his sons for all time to have to endure and unquenchable evil fleshly lust for Eve’s daughters that would force them to, again, rape the one person they loved and wanted to protect more than anyone else, over & over & over & over again. And this was a punishment for Adam’s first sin.
No matter what I found that she enjoyed, after a few days of absolute, sometime embarrassingly vocal, bliss on her part as I found some new technique or stroke or pressure point or position she would suddenly declare that is hurt, she never liked it at all, she got nothing out of it, she faked it all for me but can no longer keep up the charade.
Also, in over 20 years she had done fewer than a dozen bj’s, and NEVER to completion. An al sex was always a non-no. Even though for about 3 months 10 years ago she found it the easiest way to get orgasms and would actually pull me from her vagina and put me there on purpose. But all of a sudden, she declared it was always painful and too improper, and never felt good at all and asked wasn’t her vagina enough. My response was that it might be if she gave it up more often than once ever month or two, but her response was that should be enough if I actually loved her and respected her as something more than just a way to get off sexually. And she also said that me wanting an al sex made me a closet homosexual (no offense meant to any homosexuals here) or that she feared for my sons, especially the little one in the night with a perv like me in the house. I ask you to imagine the “what the {(non)biblical expletive here}…” moment I must have had at that statement.
Bottom line is that even though she is not fully “into it” (which has always been my main goal is for her to get as much or close to as much pleasure and satisfaction as I do from it) sex has gone from a 2 – 4 week battle to get only enough to keep my brain from melting with desire, to being able to have sex almost every day or at least more days a week than not.
When she is not safe, she offers, actually offer an al. When she is safe she tells me the day before she’s not so we can have vaginal sex. Nearly anytime, to the point of at least 3 times a week or more, I can have a bj, and there is NEVER a question about if I am going to finish in her mouth or not. that’s a given. And recently she has gone from barely taking just the head in to pretty near what I’d call a deep throat.
Does she still act like giving sex, bj, an al, and finishing in her mouth are inconvenient and does she still give a big pause and sigh before taking me into her mouth, and does still act like she’s gaging and runs to spit when finished?
Yes.
But compared with 1 year ago when she flat out would tell me I have ZERO right to or ZERO right to EVER expect sex as a part of marriage and she didn’t seem to understand why I would, now that we have all the children we plan to have, I’d say we’ve come a proverbial “light-year” towards my goal of being on the same footing sexually.
She’s still a selfish, consuming, bitch in a lot of ways. But she’s come a long way. Even non-sexually.
She actually asked me to give her a household budget a few weeks ago, and she really seems to be genuinely trying to stick to it. She’s been nicer to our two youngest boys, 5 & 3. And usually she pretty much begins to completely reject the kids around 2. She has been nicer and more friendly to the older kids too, and has started to actually assert her authority as a mother for real things rather than just to assert power, and has been more strict in enforcing my rules rather than giving in to the kids because it’s either easier to let them have what they want so they don’t bug her or because it gets on my nerves.
My whole point is all this response is that it just takes time. You have to start asserting your position as well. But the key is that your position has to be consistent as her subconscious tries to figure out the rules of the new dynamic. If you throw out mixed signals it will just take that much longer.
Your relationship is currently a result of an unspoken agreement you and she have made over time. It may not be anything like the marriage vows you took but, over time you two have tacitly “agreed” to playing certain “roles”. If you now try to push her into a new “role” either consciously by asking for it or subconsciously via subliminal, you have to alter the role you play to fit the new pattern.
One thing I learned from several similar situations like your “naked… and getting ready” story is that I have to be assertive completely till the end of the situation. I don’t have to get what I want, but I have to press it to the end. For example, when she refuses you have to press it until there is no time left to get what you are going after. And then you have to make sure she understands that it damages the relationship when she refuses and that she is the one who did that. That sex and affection helps to bring two people together and bond them and that is your goal because having that bond between you and her is the most important thing to you so you persist because it is just that important, above everything. This not only reinforces something she instinctively knows is true, but it places her into an indefensible position, and gives her an easy way out. That way out is to just have sex. Once she gets to that point that she just goes ahead and has sex, or starts to find the time to at least get it over with or comes back to you later and offers grudgingly, you have won part of the battle and the momentum is in your favor.
Don’t expect that to result in sex every time but NEVER just give in and roll over & say whatever. She has to know that you are willing to go all the way to get what you want and that what you want is her and no one else but her, but that it has to be ALL OF HER. And pushing it to the end of possibility of execution is the only way to let her know that.
Also, don’t be punishing about it. If you don’t get what you want, be a true MAN above all & still treat her with respect. Reboot yourself, so to speak, and start over the next time.
Some may disagree with some or even much of what I say but it has somehow worked for me and my wife. I can now, honestly see the potential that my wife can remain my wife and maybe even become a good wife. A year ago I was perfectly willing & almost eager to kick her to the curb and even willing to live my life without a woman completely just to get out of the unending cycle of her vitriolic attitude about anything regarding love, sex or even basic human affection and civility towards me and my children.
But I think my theme is that you also have to be firm in the path you take and think about the new role you are going to have to play. This is not to say that you will not have to “adjust” your perceived role over time but that your role remains true to the counterpart of where you are trying to take her.
Just stay the course.
Just stay the course.
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