EJ’s Journal – Hope for sharing ourselves more fully with each other

[ejwolf]

10/03/2016 at 10:29 pm

EJ here. I am a recent member of this site. I have a description of my current situation which is followed by a request for help with the best sequence to support/encourage/train the behaviors I am wanting from my wife.

Current situation – My wife and I have been married for 24 years, I am 52, she is 48. We are both reasonably fit and physically healthy. We have 2 children; a 20 year-old daughter in college and a 14 year-old son at home. Both children are pleasant and polite and our home is generally peaceful and without drama. Our sex has been very vanilla – missionary position in the dark without much communication and little willingness for real connection. About 5 years ago (maybe longer) a quiet resentment began to build between us. About 3 years ago, the frequency of our sex had dwindled to just a few times a year, and so I began to read about sexual techniques. I thought that if I improved my skills, then she would enjoy the sex more and it would become better and more frequent. This didn’t help; it took me about 2 years to realize that I needed to improve myself, improve the way I treat her, and work on relating better with her. Over the last year we read books on building a better marriage from a Christian perspective which included a focus on the importance of being sexually intimate with each other on a regular basis. About 5 months ago, we began having sex twice per week – Sunday evening and Friday or Saturday. We began counselling 3 months ago to address our resentment issues and we are making progress.

Since we are making progress, I would like to begin working on the variety and quality of our sex. I began using the silent version of the files at night while we sleep. I started with the converter file in June. In July and August, I played the “His Happiness” file. In September, I started the “I Love Sex” file, and I plan to play that through October. I have read quite a bit on the forum. In terms of training, it seems that the order that one progresses through the files is important in order for the behaviors to build on prior established behaviors. With that in mind, I have listed behaviors that I would like to encourage.
I wonder whether it would be more effective to support masturbation and masturbating together before encouraging oral sex. I would be interested in any thoughts you are willing to share regarding the most effective order of progressing through the behaviors I have listed. Also, I would like to know if there are any other behaviors that I haven’t listed that I should add.
Thanks,
EJ

Sequence of training

Soft lighting during sex with eye contact
Talking/Sharing her fantasies and desires with me

Masturbating
Masturbating while I hold her
Masturbating together
Louder moaning from her

Her receiving a naked massage
Having her pussy stroked and fingered
Her receiving oral pleasure
Having her anus fingered
Learning multiple and extended orgasms

Being topless while massaging me
Being naked while massaging me
Giving me a hand job
Sucking my cock
Prostate massage
(Basically, I want her to be topless or naked and massage me, and then give me a good combined hand-job and cock-sucking, and ask whether I would like a prostate massage).

Sleeping topless
Sleeping naked

Wearing sexy lingerie for me
Topless sexy dancing for me
Naked sexy dancing for me

Variety of sex positions (such as doggy, sitting facing each other, spooning)
Sex earlier in the evening
Sex in the middle of the day
Anal sex
Soft restraints and blindfold for her
On occasion rougher sex – spanking, hair “pulling,” gentle choking

[Fizbin]

10/04/2016 at 4:12 am

Welcome to the forum!

First, congratulations on your very holistic approach and activities up through this point! So many folks fail to realize how many factors can go into this beyond subconscious attitudes.

Second, I’m curious, since you’ve been using some files already, how do you feel they have made a difference so far? For example, do you think playing the Happiness file may have influenced her to go to the resentment counseling? Is she starting to enjoying your twice weekly sessions, or is it still (as I suspect it started) “lie back and think of England”? Or have you seen other impacts that you can tie directly to the file(s) independently of the other activities?

Finally, for your first custom files, you might re-record (or at least include some affirmations from) the files you have been using to serve as a transition to whatever new voice you will be using to generate your own.

[ejwolf]

10/04/2016 at 12:06 pm

Fizbin,
I appreciate your response, and thinking about your questions has provided me some clarity as to where to go next.
I believe the “happiness” file has helped. She holds my upper arm now when we sit together on the couch, and I tell her that this pleases me. She occasionally will rub my shoulders or ask if I want my feet rubbed. We started the counselling in the end of July, so it may have helped with that.
Also, I believe the “I love sex” file has helped some after just a month. She will sometimes stroke my perineum and balls during foreplay, she now comes to bed completely naked and immediately dives under the covers, her hands are a little more active on my back. If I leave a dimmed lamp on, she turns it off. If I light a candle on my side, then she will leave it on, but will frown or subtly communicate displeasure. But in general, I believe she is enjoying the twice weekly sessions more and is more engaged.
As we move forward, I want her to enjoy and desire the new behaviors that we are adding. I don’t want to end up where she will do them but only begrudgingly do them. Some of the posts describe men whose wives are giving them oral while communicating that they don’t really enjoy it (obviously that seems to be success compared to no oral). However, it seems there are 3 general situations. Not performing the behavior, performing the behavior out of duress due to some form of leverage, or joyfully performing the behavior. I don’t want to sacrifice having her joyfully perform the desired behavior by pushing too hard or being too abrupt. I realize there may initially be some anxiety or apprehension for her as we expand her behaviors, but I want to wait until she is enjoying each new behavior before I move on to the next one. I try to be conscious to reward her by expressing my pleasure to her whenever she is doing something new that pleases me. I try to be neutral (not respond) to the resistance.
Given all of the above, I am now trying to determine what to train for next. Probably I will work with lighting and eye contact. The eye contact will help build more emotional connection during our sex, and I believe it will be more reinforcing for her because of the emotional reward and will increase the chances of progressing joyfully through each step.
After that I am trying to determine what would be the easiest next direction – masturbation progressing to mutual masturbation, or naked massage, or stroking and licking progressing to oral.
Lastly, if I continue with a few phrases from the happiness and I love sex files, do I necessarily need to add any obedience or submission phrases this early? I suppose this can be done at any point along the journey.
Thank you,
EJ