Articles on the D/s lifestyle

[Tap]

08/25/2014 at 4:42 am

I’ve been doing more research on the D/s lifestyle and came a cross an article that I found interesting, which talks about the difference between a dominant and someone that’s domineering. My idea of a dominant is not entirely like this. One question I have to those that are really in a D/s lifestyle, when you order your sub to do things, do you ask in a nice way or do you give overt commands for her to do them, without thinking of trying to be polite to her. An excerpt of the article is below with the link.

http://husdom.wordpress.com/2013/06/20/dominant-vs-domineering/

“A Dominant person puts his submissive’s needs ahead of his own.

A Dominant knows that he must first nourish or feed his submissive’s mind, body and soul before feeding himself. A happy healthy submissive is nourishment enough for a Dominant. He is not fed by physical pleasure for himself but rather by the pleasure that he brings his submissive. After all of his submissive’s needs have been met, and only after, the Dominant can consider his own needs.

A domineering person is a selfish person.

This type of person tends to always be asking, “What is in it for me?” They tend to be self-serving and are not concerned about what is in the best interest of their submissive but rather what satisfaction they can receive from their own actions. This type of person will put his feelings and needs above that of his submissive’s. This will leave the emotional and physical needs of the submissive unmet.

A Dominant person communicates effectively.

A good communicator is clear and concise and realizes that communication is a skill of more than just spoken words. Communication consists of many different facets including words, tone, inference, body language and physical situation. A Dominant would never speak down to his submissive, he cherishes her. It is important that the Dominant can create an environment in which his submissive can feel heard and understood. This is an often overlooked but highly important key to effective communication. When asked about effective communication most people only think of how they can effectively communicate their point of view, when in fact, to truly communicate you need to actively listen. Remember, there is no communication happening when one person is yelling.

A domineering person fails to properly communicate.

This type of person seldom solicits input or listens to suggestions from others, especially from their submissive. They also fail to explain themselves or their point of view. They will often become angry or agitated when asked about their decisions. A domineering person is always threatening to get his way sometimes even threatening to withdraw all together and usually telling his submissive that it is their fault.

imageA great Dominant is not only a magnificent leader but also a true gentleman. He would display impeccable manners, manners from another era. Not just please and thank you but more refined manners such as opening doors, rising from the table to greet someone or rising from the table when a lady excuses herself and later returns, or simply pulling a chair out for a lady. A gentleman would also possess concern and empathy toward others.

A Dominant takes pride in himself, from his appearance to his actions. A well dressed and well groomed man conveys confidence and maturity.

Mr Fox”

[Tap]

08/25/2014 at 5:11 am

I found another article written by a sub who talks about obedience from her POV. I find it very enlightening because if you know how a true sub thinks, then you can word your customs to give your wife ideas that would work. The link to the article and excerpt is below:

http://kimdebron.tripod.com/id15.html

“Obedience as described in the dictionary means:

The state or quality of being obedient
The act or practice of obeying; dutiful or submissive compliance.

In simple terms then, it means to do as you are told.

Obedience is important in many aspects of everyday life – we try to teach our children to obey so that they are well behaved, we teach our animals to obey so that they are well trained.

In employment there are rules to be obeyed, and people or superiors to answer to. The job may not get done properly if people do not obey the orders.

Soldiers must obey their commanding officers – their lives could depend on it.

Where does obedience fit within the BDSM lifestyle?

In the D/s world, obedience is probably the singular most important quality a submissive/slave needs.

A Master or Mistress must have control over a submissive in order for the power exchange to take place, but without the element of obedience there would be no control.

A submissive needs the control in order to make her life complete, but needing it and obeying every command are often two very different things.

In the everyday life of a submissive, obedience can make the difference between a successful D/s relationship and a difficult one. Every request from the Dominant should be obeyed…. Every task should be completed.

It can be a very hard emotional battle to always obey, and i believe i have yet to meet a submissive/slave that is 100% obedient.

I know in my own relationship with Master, i do not always want to obey, i do not always believe that His way is the right way, but, as His submissive, i must trust Him to do the best for me, and therefore if He asks me to do something, i must do it. The most difficult thing is to obey when i don’t want to, and i do struggle with this concept at times, however, the need to please Him, and to serve Him overrides the thought of disobeying.

Sometimes it is the small things that can be hardest to do.

Master may ask for my hand across the table – in front of guests. Thoughts run through my mind of why He wants my hand, what is He intending to do, He may wish to pinch my skin, bite my finger, kiss my hand or stroke my “trigger finger” to put me into the throes of an orgasm, right then and there??

Part of my mind says “oh no i can’t do that” – and that is the moment of truth – of obedience. Do i extend my hand to Him or do i say no.

In that instance, i would never say no – though i may be wary, i obey His command. One reason is that i would never want to disgrace Him in that way in front of anyone else, but also the intrinsic need to obey and to please Him takes precedence.

If we can make obedience a vital and necessary element in the relationship, then everything flows smoothly, the Dominant is confident that the submissive will do as she/he is told, and the submissive in turn trusts that the Dominant knows best and therefore, even if it is a battle, obedience wins out.

There is an important part of a D/s relationship where obedience is paramount, and that is in play.

A submissive must obey any command given in a play situation – this is where the power exchange is at its highest level. The Dominant is in charge, it is a big responsibility to take control of someone’s wellbeing, and because of the very nature of what we do, there is some risk of being hurt if things go wrong.

Trust, then, is another element of obedience in this situation. The submissive must have complete trust in the Dominant, so that she will obey any command given – her life may depend on it.

A good example is from my own experience of knife play with Master.

He can have a very sharp knife in His hand and may want to run it across my skin, it can be done safely and without cutting me as long as i obey His command to “keep very still”

However, though i want desperately to obey, and i know that i need to obey, this is very hard for me as i am so ticklish. It takes every ounce of my self control to obey His order, not because i want to disobey but because i find it almost impossible to do it.

In the end the need to obey wins out and i try my hardest. I might just add that i have never been harmed or cut by the knife!

Of course it isn’t only the edge play scenarios where obedience must be adhered to.

Things such as a sensory play session can involve the ultimate test of obedience as well. For example, Master may decide to blindfold me and then give me different tastes and smells to assault my senses.

There is nothing more daunting than to be told to “stick out your tongue” and not know what you may get to taste. Will it be strawberry jam? Chocolate sauce, or chilli powder, onion or some other nasty tasting substance.

So do you obey or disobey? Of course you obey – what would be the point of disobeying Him, and disappointing Him, denying Him the pleasure of seeing you squirm.

Of course there are also some Dominants who actively encourage a submissive to misbehave, and disobey. It is the role play they have adopted and which forms the dynamic of their relationship.

It maybe a submissive behaving like a “naughty schoolgirl” with such behaviour as tongue poking, or foot stomping etc.

It may simply be a “bratty sub” out in public ending up being over a knee and soundly spanked!

In these cases then it isn’t really disobedience as such, because the submissive is obeying the whims and wants of the Dominant by being disobedient!

Most of the time, a submissive has been trained to obey her Master’s commands and does so without question, but there is often an inner struggle and it is important to remember that it is His pleasure, His desires and His needs that are met by your obedience.

I know that i want Master to be proud of my behaviour when we are out – i know as well that my behaviour is a direct reflection on Him therefore i must be obedient. I always try my very hardest to behave in the manner He expects, i want and need to do that, and so disobedience would never consciously enter my mind.

Sometimes being a collared and owned submissive means that i cannot have my say, cannot voice my opinion, at least not in public. This for me is the hardest test of my obedience, when i have something to say to someone and that right is denied. When i want to tell someone in no uncertain terms exactly what i think – yet i must always behave with respect and restraint.

Have i ever said the wrong thing to someone? Yes i have, i am not perfect by any means, and there have been one or two episodes of rudeness from others when i just could not keep my mouth closed.

I know that though Master may have been amused at what i said, or the way i said it, the fact that i actually said it would have disappointed Him, and in a way, that was disobedience because i know what is expected of me when we are out.

So, we can see then, that obedience really is one of the most important ingredients in a D/s relationship whether it be casual, or a more permanent arrangement.

No matter what, the submissive/slave must be obedient or at least try very hard to be, to enable the true power exchange and to smooth the way for both Dominant and submissive.

I recently came across a wonderful quote in a book, which basically says:

“true submission is when you really, really do not want to do something, but you do it anyway.”

This, in my opinion, is the essence of obedience – and obedience is just one more crucial element which makes a D/s relationship work.

© kim (MJ) 2007″

[gtbear]

08/25/2014 at 7:57 am

Tap said:

“One question I have to those that are really in a D/s lifestyle, when you order your sub to do things, do you ask in a nice way or do you give overt commands for her to do them, without thinking of trying to be polite to her. “

It depends on the circumstances and the relationship you and your sub have. I do both on a regular basis depending on the circumstances and purpose. Often enough it is wise to rember the adage, ‘You catch more flies with honey… bla bla.’.
If you love the girl, then love the girl and the rest is gravy. If not, then don’t get cought and thrown in jail or devorced or whatever, do not tear down (build up, make better, increase, bless). Ruff out the stone, polish it and make it shine. Don’t crush the light out of it’s soul. Learn to draw a wide line between fantacy and reality. Make it love you and want to serve you. Isn’t that a lot of why we here are using subliminals, to improve the little ladies of our lives?

One slave job, in mines the Romans ran, was to power a water wheel to move water up out of the mine. You walked until you died. I doubt that there existed much of a ‘relationship’ between the owners/drivers and the slaves… at least not a caring one. Were the slave drivers Dominants? Should they be considered domineering? or, Is it not an applicable term either way for the drivers?

In the posts above, I see some truth to each statement about Doms and about obedience / submission. That is for the person that wrote the statements and for their relationships as they define them.

If the relationship of D/s is a game then a lot of what the other guy thinks is right can be play tested. Personally, I find that the more serious one is about the other person, the more that person is (or can be) in control of you. Volentary TPE is not the same as Total Real Slavery… (See Romans above)

Do you want a “relationship”? Define it and give it a try… if the cost is not too high for possible failure, weigh the way you act tword your wife in the light of that relationship and wheather or not you are willing to sacrifice that relationship to get your way (count the cost). If you are not willing to sell her ‘down river’ then recognize that is a limit for you. Understand yourself and magnify what you find good in your love puppy… cultivate her, uplift her, make her obedient. Like a doctor, ‘first do no harm’. Only you can decide how you will live your life, what your values are. Live and learn in the bdsm and d/s lifestiles. Take what works for you and yours and toss the rest. Lead or dominate or some of both. Every now and then ask yourself what your sub is getting out of the relationship and consider what is best or good for her. Hope that helps.
BTW: I think you are doing the smart thing by researching the whole thing. Take it all with a grain of salt…

[Tap]

08/26/2014 at 3:07 am

I agree that it depends on the situation in terms of how I order her to do things. I noticed if I just tell her to do this or that, without saying it nicely, at times she gives me resistance or doesn’t really want to do it. However, If I ask her nicely or say please, she seems happier to do it.

[adrz74]

08/27/2014 at 2:41 pm

There are tons of resources on fetlife.com as well if you’re looking for info on BDSM. Actually, you can find info on just about any fetish there. There are groups for everything. Erotic hypnosis, masters/slaves, becoming a bimbo, whatever… Very active forums, and links to outside resources.

Also, I thought some of the stuff on this site was pretty good. Not that I’ve implemented any of it. Yet.

Slave Training Guide & Understanding the BDSM Lifestyle:

[Tap]

08/28/2014 at 2:28 am

I’ll check them out thanks.

[trainer81]

08/28/2014 at 3:05 am

Best slave training is the way to go, lots of good resources…

Trainer81

[gtbear]

08/29/2014 at 6:24 pm

Best is. I have used parts of what put out at their site but found that there was (once beyond the basic concepts) an avalanche of very complex info that, after awhile, became ponderous in practice. Lots of good info for the mentalist and huge numbers of excellent resources. I used a lot of their stuff on the last sub’s training with good results.